Almost half a century after his disappearance (following the cheese-gate scandal of 1958) celebrated cheese inventor, Sir Pettigrew Wynethrop, has been discovered chained to a sacrificial stone alter in the basement of his penthouse apartment in Chiswick, North Brightonspool.
It's thought that he had been there for some time. A senior police spokesperson said, "I am pretty sure that he was there for almost twenty minutes, although we won't know for sure until the pathologists have finished their investigations."
Sir Pettigrew denies hiding in his cellar and refused to let the pathologists kill him so that they could investigate further. He could face a charge of obstructing the police with their enquiries unless he co-operates.
PC Robert Ackler, known as, "cheesy of the yard", because of his relentless (and somewhat stupid) search for Sir Pettigrew which lasted almost fifty years, spoke from his hospital bed, "of course I knew that he would be hiding in his cellar all along. But at the time of his disappearance I was a milkman so I couldn't get a search warrant." Not to be deterred, "cheesy", joined the police force in order to "get his man" and, true to his word, as soon as he finished his basic training (last week) he re-applied for the illusive search warrant".
Unfortunately for cheesy he was too unwell to take part in the raid. A long term sufferer of the rare disorder known as "Stilton's bile" (a debilitating illness which can turn your veins a deep (smelly) blue, and send you crackers) cheesy had been admitted to hospital for exploratory tests. "Of course I was very disappointed not to be there but I did manage to watch it on the web-cam - or web-camembert as we call it", he chortled spitting cheesy bile all over my tape recorder.
So what's next for this intrepid investigator? "I'd like to be there at the trial just to see him go down but the restraining order is going to be a bit of a problem. I may just retire with my 100% record intact".
Sir Pettigrew is currently in hiding somewhere else in his apartment and refuses to come out to give a statement - it's thought he may be in the cubby-hole. A warrant for his arrest is thought unlikely as nobody really cares.
If you think you may be suffering from Stilton's Bile call our help line on 0800 8797 457 345 2346 or visit the website.