Man Knighted For Wearing Turban

Funny story written by Phil Edgar's Bones

Monday, 22 September 2008

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'Donny Osmond To Be Knighted For 'Having', Brothers and 'Being' a Brother'

Palmer-Violet Sing 61, from Birmingham, Alabama, USA is to be honored by the Queen for services to turban wearing, turban tying and being called Palmer-Violet Sing.

"Chuckle Brothers Knighted For Being Brothers"

In a new initiative by the government and Royal family, the entire world will receive some sort of honor from the Queen by 2050. The move means ordinary people will feature more prominantly in the honors list, which has been monopolised by 'entertainers' and 'sports-folk' in recent years. In fact it was the Beatles who started it.

"The Baldwins, Osmonds, McGann's and Marx Brothers Knighted Too!"

The 'Spoof' can reveal if you manage to remain in the field of entertainment for twenty-years without scandal or saucy mis-haps a 'gong' from the Queen is as good as yours.

"Belamy Brothers snubbed by the Queen and are not Knighted"

"Everyone knows that 'celebrity' sells including the Queen and she has been handing out 'medals' like sweeties in the last few years" said Sir Grand Old Duke of York Russ Abbott.

" Les Dennis Not Knighted BUT 'Dustin Gee' his now Deceased Former Partner Knighted"

Prof Russ Abbott former funny man said "Even people who used to watch my show, can work out the formula". The former toupee wearing Grand Wizard of Oxley specified the once secret categories.

  1. The middle-aged actor category that can 'do drama and comedy' ie John Thaw, David Jason, Helen Mirren, Judy Dench etc
  2. The actor or comedian that we didnt honor in their hey-day, but as anyone can get one now, we gotto give them one before they die e.g Norman Wisdom, Spike Milligan, Thora Hird and all the luvvy actors ( Attenborough and his lot from the time of black and white films and the war)
  3. The entertainer that has received a 'low status' award in the past , but now everyone else has got bigger and better ones, theirs now look like shite. They now demand an upgrade e.g McCartney and Cliff and some others.
  4. The scandal encrusted entertainer who wouldnt normally get one, but they have given money to charity, so let's forget about their lives e.g Bob Geldolf, Elton John etc
  5. You are not even British so not officially entitled, but you arent leaving the country until we give you something e.g Sir Kylie and Dame Edna

    (The year Kylie got her gong was shrouded in controversy as the rightful winner was Madonna cos she had got a black babby from Africaland. But pint-size Kylie went and got some cancer, beating Madonna to the finishing post. So the asylum-seeking material girl is not leaving the UK, until she becomes a Dame or Sir or something fancy to impress the Yanks).

  6. Sports Star who wins medals and stuff e.g Seb Coe, Steve Redgrave, Kelly Holmes etc. Darts and Snooker players are exempt from this category for obvious reasons. They are sports for the work-shy and lower classes.
  7. Special Welsh categories ie Being Welsh and singing from the corner of your mouth e.g Shirley Bassey. Being Welsh and having knickers thrown at you e.g Tom Jones. Being Welsh and young e.g Charlotte Church. Being Welsh and wrongly executed for a murder you didn't commit, because John Christie at 10 Rillington Place, did it e.g Timothy Evans.

"Claude Green-Grass From HeartBeat Knighted for being Fat"

Old King Cole Russ Abbott then told us these categories excluded the ordinary folk in the past, so to make it fair everyone in the world has the potential to get one.

"Osama Bin Laden Ties "Rubbish" Turban Says Sing"

One such lucky winner is Palmer-Violet Sing who is now 62, he says he is 'delighted' at becoming a Sir for his services to 'neat turban tying', but he isnt the only one in his road to be honored this year.

"Paranoid Miserable Old Bitch Gets Award"

"The lady down the road has become a Imperial Knight of the Realm. She is being honored for 'being old' and 'looking through her net curtains' trying to find potential burglars" Mr Sing explained in a sexy southern drawl.

"Thief of Bagdad is now Count of Bagdad"

Mr Sing is to receive his award at the 'Palace' along with 2 million others. Mrs Bagshaw, 23, from Grimshaw is to become a Dame for her services to 'having a difficult child-birth experience', Jane 'Kitty' Malloy is receiving a CBE for being a 'common slut' and Tyrone Mackensie is becoming a Knight of the British Realm for his services to "TV licence dodging'.

" The Queen is a Trooper "

The award ceremony is expected to take three and a half weeks. Queen Lizzie will only be stopping for 'fag and pee' breaks.

" Dead People Want Justice"

Arthur Askey, Flannagan and Allen, The Crazy Gang, Will Haye, Lena Zavoroni, Sid James, George Formby, Dirk Bogarde, Cary Grant, Stan Laurel, David Niven, Diana Dors, Marc Bolan, Charlie Chaplin, Jack the Ripper and many many more are now demanding awards from the grave as they claim living recipients are now "bollocks".

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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