Big Brother Belinda To Be Shot At Dawn On Saturday

Written by Monkey Woods

Wednesday, 9 July 2008

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Please, shut up you bitch!

Big Brother Belinda, the portly lady who only entered the house last Friday, has been marked for termination, and will be shot at dawn on Saturday.

The news came as 44-year-old Belinda annoyed housemates yesterday with her terrible rendition of the Wizard Of Oz song, Over The Rainbow, which made Darnell's ears bleed. After first aid, the white negro was able to continue.

Belinda who outside of Big Brother, works as a Theatre Director in Exeter, came into the show describing herself as "radical, intellectual and argumentative". She forgot to mention she was also a stupid, fat bitch who wishes she could sing like Cleo Laine.

Her attempts at emulating the 80-year-old jazz chanteuse and her scat singing, were remarkable only because of the depths to which they plummetted, and the voice of Big Brother stepped in to save the other members of the group from further punishment.

Belinda was warned not to sing using any of the following warblings:

1) Shaba daba dabadaba doobiedoobiedoobiedooooo!

2) Scooby dooby dooby dooby dooby doo-woooooo!

3) Zippadee za za zippadee za za za wow!

At 9.13pm, however, she was heard performing the second of these warbles in a conversation with Dale, and was sentenced to death by firing squad.

Mario and Rebecca, who were nominated for eviction, will form the firing squad. Whichever of the pair misses first, will be ejaculated from the house.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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