An emulation of the 1990 film "Flatliners", where a chap (a loud-mouthed American student-type played by Keifer Sutherland) experiences clinical death for a period of 1 minute before being brought back to life, has knocked martyrdom on the head for a Jihadist from Dewsbury in Yorkshire.
Ahmed Luneytunes, a resident of Acacia Street in Dewsbury, had been preparing all the usual paraphernalia - videos, buying twenty kilos of weed-killer from Homebase, weeping about how much he loves his wife and child, asking his brother to remember to feed his goldfish, reminding his sister to return his "Jihad for Dummies" book to the library etc - when a friend told him that in this day and age, it was potentially impossible to find 2 virgins, let along 72, as the promised reward to all martyrs.
He assembled a group of friends and they undertook a "flatline" experiment to try and establish exactly what happens to martyrs after their death. Armed only with an "I am a martyr" badge and a piece of paper with PTO on both sides as reading matter, Ahmed's friends beat him to death for a minute, and then brought him back to life before he completely expired.
Ahmed takes up the story:
"After my good friends revived me, I could only recount the gory experience I had in heaven. As I was warned, there indeed weren't 72 virgins for my disposal, but instead, 36 very angry Nuns and 36 irate mothers-in-law..
"They made my life absolute hell!
"Aside from the nuns beating me around the ankles with sweeping brushes at every available opportunity, can you imagine 36 mothers-in-law telling you how to drive, how to feed you child, how to dress yourself etc etc, on and on.
"If this is what it is like for 1 minute of death, can you only imagine what it would be like for an eternity!
"I'm sorry - now I'm alive again, it's back to serving in the Kebab House for me!"