London - (Rioters): The Taiwanese tribute artiste posing as the Dalai Llama has been caught red-handed pimping for a lunatic cabal of hardened Opus Dei mobsters that runs Scientology in London.
"He's a class act, I grant you," Commander Jim B Ergerac, head of the UK's Serious & Disorganised Crime Agency, said today.
"We first began tickling his backside a bit when we caught him soliciting Madonna to fill her Old Testament godslot with that Kabbalah malarkey," Ergerac continued.
"Then he went down on Richard Gere with some hokum about Hollywood being a reincarnation of the Great Cosmic Theater of Atlantis.
"And all the while he was spreading his pernicious mumbo-jumbo he was in cahoots with fundie incest nutter Warren Jeffs.
"Mostly it was laundering money that he'd stolen from UK military accounts in Hong Kong to set up Jeffs in that Yearning For Zion pederasty circus."
UK police have kept the so-called Tibetan spiritual leader under 24/7 surveillance after bugging the Vatican's private plane in the wake of 9/11.
A series of Papal encrypted instructions was easily decoded to reveal Opus Dei morphing itself in the City of London as cute and cuddly Tim Cruise-esque Scientologists.
"This time we've got him by the short 'n' curlies!" Erjerac chuckled.
"This weekend we're going to bust him for that subterranean nuclear detonation that's been peddled as the Chinese earthquake."
The Archbishop of Canterbury is 69.
