London - (Ass Mess): UK spooks have rejected FBI chief Robert Mueller's criticism that they are not waterboarding enough terror suspects and described secret use of a far deadlier interrogation technique to get comparable results.
"We just play them round-the-clock Cliff Richard hits," MI5's Jonathan Evans said today, "starting with 'Mistletoe and Wine'.
"After two hours of non-stop logs on the fire and gifts on the tree we've managed to smoke out four major planned European airport attacks, an African nuclear arms-smuggling cartel, the whereabouts of a huge Belgian weedkiller bomb factory and Max Mosely's S&M Nazi orgy sex ring."
Mueller, 61, has admitted he is secretly "very, very impressed" at the British results and has opened negotiations about copyright and royalties for the Yuletide number one all-time favorite.
"A few years back we had some success in the US with Marie Osmond's 'Paper Woses'," Mueller said today.
"We tried telling Mr Bush about its success rate over waterboarding.
"But he banned it because the Osmonds played such a big part in him getting elected as Texas Governor."
Osama Bin Laden is still at large.
