Rare Rabbie Burns poem found could be "worth millions"

Funny story written by Ross Douglas

Thursday, 29 April 2004

image for Rare Rabbie Burns poem found could be "worth millions"
Rabbie Burns.

An unheard poem penned by the famous Scottish poet Robert "Rabbie" Burns was put on auction today at Sothebys in London yesterday, and was said by experts to potentially be worth more than twomillion pounds.

The poem, which had lain undiscovered for the last 300 years, was found while a cleaner at the site of burns house was dusting the cobwebs off the visitor book.

"Ah wus doon oan ma knees under thon big book whit peepil mak their mark oan whin ah spotted oot the corner o me een a wee scrap of pepper pokin oot o the wa ahent it," said the finder of the poem, a Mrs Jean Carstairs, 85, of Auchternairn.

Mrs Carstairs called over the owner of the house, Mr Blatently-English, 58, and he immediately realised what it was.

Mr Blatently-English said to a local reporter, later that day, "What ho! it's a bally poem by the Burns chappie. One should think it will raise a pretty penny in a London market. What says you, my good man?" to which the reporter replied, "Whit in tha name o the deel ur ye sayin, ya manky big heathen gobshite?"

After calling in a translator from the University of Posh Students in Edinburgh, the matter was resolved, and the poem was taken away for analysis at the University.

The poem "To a bonnie lass" is thought to be an early attempt by Burns at a love poem.

Even though the details of the poem remain a secret until it goes on auction, The Spoof managed to get hold of a copy of it which we have reprinted below.

"To a bonnie lass"

Thon bonnie lass o McTaggart bluid
Cannae half gie handjobs guid
Doon by the water o the mill
Ah tried n tried her hole tae fill
But none of it she wid tak
As she laid upoan her back
She widnae hawd ma stonky proud
But wid jiggle wi my jiggly rounds
Makin the deel rise up in me
"Bonnie lass" i say to thee
Git thee doon upoan thy knee
Open that which god did gie
Pray dear wummin! Empty me!

Readers are asked to remember that the poem was written over three hundred years ago, and as such, words may be taken in the wrong context.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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