Texan Riots cause more problems for Brown

Funny story written by Bertrand Sedgley-Smythe

Tuesday, 19 February 2008

image for Texan Riots cause more problems for Brown
She's had one too many

More civil unrest in Brown's Britain - this time the stage was set outside the offices of Nestle UK, where hundreds of angry customers were demanding that the Texan bar is permanently reinstated.

The company reintroduced the 70s favourite during a 'Blast from the Past' promotion is September 2005, but is keen to point out that it 'never at any point promised a permanent return'. Retailers and consumers, however, feel badly let down.

"We feel badly let down," said Essex shopkeeper Rene Arnoux. "After all the fanfare in September 2005, Nestle had led us to believe that there would be no problem with supply. Customers won't come back to my shop if I can't guarantee them a regular supply of cigarettes, soft pornography and Texan bars. So thanks to Nestle, I am, how you say, ferked."

Back in the eighties, a consumer shift towards more multi-cultural confectionery, namely Cabana, Peanut Treets and Dark Chocolate Bounty, was blamed for the slump in Texan sales. Research data from the time reveals that consumers considered the Texan 'tough and uncompromising'. A new advertising campaign, which used the slogan 'It certainly is a Mighty Chew', yielded dismal results and it was decided that the death warrant for the Texan would be issued immediately.

Phil McNaughty, the chocolatier and former Director of Chocolate and Nougat Relationship Management at Rowntrees, invented the Texan Bar in the late sixties. It's demise led him to a nervous breakdown: "I was distraught. The Texan Bar was my life's work. I tried using coconut, raisins, orange flavourings, you name it, but it just wasn't working anymore. Besides, I'm a chocolate/nougat specialist, and all the cabanas and johnny come latelys used a wealth of ingredients that I had never even heard of, let alone made chocolate taste good with them."

McNaughty, now a car park attendant in Govan, Glasgow, continued: "It was around that time that I started drinking. Bad times. And the temporary return of the Texan brought all the horror flooding back. Do you know what the worst thing is? They never even asked me"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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