The Archbishop of Canterbury has confirmed that the Church of England has cancelled its controversial supply contracts with various Eastern European states.
This comes as no surprise, after complaints from several bishoprics about the inferior quality of the imported stocks.
During a Royal engagement at Southwark last week, the Bishop suddenly fell silent and collapsed into the arms of Lady Plimsoll, to the chagrin of her husband. It was later discovered that this was a low-grade Albanian Fainting Bishop, an obscure variety more suited to the charismatic dramas of rural Albania than to the solemnities of Anglican liturgy.
There was consternation at Ely last Wednesday, when Deacon Arthur Millstone smelled burning and heard high-pitched cries emanating from within the cathedral. He found the Bishop at the altar, amid a cloud of incense, fanning the leaping flames of a sacrificial bonfire with his mitre. At his side, in a pool of blood, lay the corpse of a freshly-slaughtered goat. 'Apparently, that's how they do it in the Greek mountains', said a non-plussed Mr Millstone, 'but it just don't seem right for us, you know.'
The last straw for the C of E hierarchy came at the weekend, with the sudden proliferation of Ikons and Byzantine chanting at Carlisle and Durham.
'After all, cheapness is not everything', admitted the Archbishop of Canterbury. 'We are not operating a masquerade, or circus. Economies or not, we cannot allow ourselves to stray down the dangerous bypaths of inappropriate or empty ceremonial.'
