Written by Erskin Quint

Friday, 19 October 2007

image for Migrants 'throwing a lifeline' to UK economy
Prince Philip: soon to go the way of Arthur Scargill?

Migrant workers last year earned higher wages than their British counterparts, worked harder, offered much-needed skills, paid more in taxes than they used in public services, and contributed £10 billion to the nation's economic growth, a Home Office study revealed yesterday.

Contrary to the popular belief that the country cannot cope with the massive influx of migrants seen in recent years, the Government statistics suggested that the 'modern pioneers' are 'throwing a lifeline' to a GB economy desperately short of relevant skills and in danger of collapse beneath burgeoning pension and social care bills.

The Home Office said that research showed that migrants produced 10 per cent of Government revenue, yet only took out 9.1% of the expenditure on such items as education, health, basic food supplies and accommodation.

Roland Vikramskandarajah, migration research spokesperson for the Public Institute of Social Studies, stressed the positive message of the statistics. 'These immigrants are clearly effecting a steady transformation of an ailing economy. We trust that the Government gives more credence to these data than to the wishes of an ill-informed electorate'.

However, Sir Randolph Moseley, President of UKInvaderWatch, was dismissive. 'We shall stand, as true Britons have always stood, against corruption by stealth and subtle attempts to undermine our Island culture. We resisted the jackboot 60 years ago, and, in these bewildering times, we shall prevail over a more inscrutable attempt at invasion.'

Wayne Davis, Junior Junior Minister for Immigration, sounded a note of caution. 'Our economy, our Exchequer, and our culture, all benefit, in the long term, from migration, and there is also a cost, in the long term, to our economy, our Exchequer, and our culture, from migration.'

Mr Davis was keen to scotch rumours that the Government was examining a proposal to 'shut down' the Royal Family and import cheap Royalty from Poland. Opposition Culture Minister, Nick Callous, last week claimed, in an article in Horse & Hound, that 'the spin-doctors and policy pick-pockets are scheming to steal yet another Tory idea. In an ultra-cynical twist, the faceless Labour apparatchiks intend to do to our much-loved Royal Family what Margaret Thatcher, in her finest hour, did to the "enemy within" in the Coal Industry.'

Wayne Davis said this notion was 'a ludicrous conceit', though he did concede that the Government were 'scoping' a project to replace the England football team with 'cheaper, hungrier, more skilful' players from former Soviet Republics.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Economy, Immigration

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