Department of Health introduce Gay Questionnaire

Written by Kent Pete

Saturday, 29 September 2007


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Jason : A friend of Dorothy ?

Confusion about one's sexuality could become a thing of the past. The Department of Health today announced that it is to publish a pamphlet entitled, "A definitive guide to Sexual Preference". It claims a 90% accuracy rate if the reader answers the questions 'honestly and without personal prejudice'

Speaking from his constituency in Kingston Upon Hull West and Hessle, Health Secretary Alan Johnson told our reporter,

"For years teenagers have been confused about their sexuality. Not knowing if you prefer 'Karen or Darren' can cause untold misery for countless young people. I know myself that during my time at Sloane grammar School in the mid 60's, Georgie Best was more than a great footballer to me. I only wish that this questionnaire had been available then. It could have saved me many an embarrassing moment down the King's Road. I didn't know which pocket to dangle my handkerchief from for years."

The Spoof today was able to obtain a copy of the controversial document. The questionnaire is published below :

1] If you were to throw a dinner party which combination of persons would constitute a perfect guest list ?

a] Humphrey Bogart, Winston Churchill and Sir Alf Ramsay
b] William Shakespeare, Bruce Forseph and Cherie Blair.
c] Sir Isaac Newton, Tommy Cooper and Paula Radcliffe.
d] Judy Garland, Kylie Minogue and David Beckham.

2] What would be your idea of a perfect holiday weekend ?

a] Amsterdam's Red light district with a few aging hippies and a shed load of condoms.
b] A visit to the Guinness museum in Dublin.
c] Cheese rolling in the Gloucestershire Hills.
d] Tickets to watch Barry Manilow in San Francisco.

3] Which of these films would you prefer to watch ?

a] Apocalypse Now.
b] Pulp Fiction.
c] The Shawshank Redemption
d] The Wizard of Oz.

4] When you fight with your partner you :

a] Calmly discuss the issue with your partner, taking time out if needed.
b] Why fight? Nothing in a relationship is worth fighting about.
c] Shout, shout, shout. You're the king/queen of yelling and crying.
d] Turn it into some kind of weird sadomasochistic sex session that involves masks, chains and posters of Marlon Brando in 'On the Waterfront'.

5] Given the choice, I would:

a] Choose a job that is stable and financially secure.
b] Choose a job that offers variety/ travel, although slightly unstable/ insecure.
c] Choose a job that allows me to express my opinions freely and that is open to change.
d] Choose any job where men shower communually.

6] When assessing other people, I usually:

a] Have a rational explanation for my judgment.
b] Ask lots of quickfire questions to see how they react.
c] Rely more on a 'gut feeling'.
d] Look at their butt's.

7] If I were a car, I would most resemble a:

a] Bentley : Stately, sophisticated and expensive.
b] Nissan Primera: Detailed, reliable, quality-oriented.
c] VW Beetle: Carefree, enthusiastic, easy-going.
d] Range Rover Vogue : Good looking and accommadating with a rear axel to die for.

8] Felching is :

a] In Teutonic folklore, the act of killing a vampire by putting a stake through his heart.
b] A small village in Dorset.
c] A technique Twitchers use to attract migrating birds.
d] You know perfectly well what felching is you dirty bitch.

9] You're at the peak of passion with someone you recently started dating, when you suddenly realize that you're all out of protection. Do you:

a] Cool the fires until another time.
b] Throw on the closest article of clothing and run out to the store.
c] Say a prayer and get it on.
d] Ask the couple next to you whether they have anything you could use.

10] Nightclub's that you go to invariably :

a] Turn out to be a disappointment. People can be so boring when they drink too much.
b] Far too loud. I would prefer no music so that people could chat easily to one another without shouting.
c] Great fun. I could dance all night and often do.
d] Turn it into some kind of weird sadomasochistic sex session that involves masks, chains and posters of Marlon Brando in 'On the Waterfront'.

Mostly A's : You are as straight as they come. Boringly so perhaps.

Mostly B's : You are predominantly straight and enjoy nothing more than 'a night out with the boys'. However on rare occasions the feminine side of you may surface. You have perhaps watched 'Shirley Valentine' without forward fasting it to the tit bit.

Mostly C's : What have you and saloon doors in Cowboy movies got in common ?.
You both swing both ways.
Some would argue that you get the best of both world's. Other's would say that you are a greedy bastard who doesn't know his arse from his elbow. You decide.

Mostly D's : Let's face it, you are as Camp as Christmas. If anyone is likely to spend his life travelling up and down the Cadbury Canal it's you. And under no circumstances get sucked into a marriage of convenience. Elton John might have got away with it for a few years but don't tell me his Rocketman didn't meet up with Benny and the Jets occasionally during that time. An arse bandit is an arse bandit simple as. Remember what the great gay icon himself said,

"Be proud and stand tall. This is 2007 after all". [Robbie Williams, 'Your gay friend' ]

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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