Woman appointed Beefeater "as joke" just before Tower of London demolished

Written by websmuggler

Monday, 10 September 2007


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image for Woman appointed Beefeater "as joke" just before Tower of London demolished
The Tower of London, before it was demolished to make way for a car park

LONDON: When Moira Cameron was named as the first female Beefeater at the Tower of London in its 522-year history, it was hailed as a milestone for women's rights. But in reality it was just a practical joke at Cameron's expense. Reporting for her first day of duty, Cameron found only a pile of rubble being rapidly carted off. The Tower had been demolished overnight to make way for a more urgently needed car park.

Whilst Cameron stood transfixed at the sight, her fellow Beefeaters jumped out from hiding and hurled such taunts as "What, we forgot to tell you this place was being torn down? How did that slip our minds? Bloody 'ell sorry, old girl!" as Cameron fled in tears.

"No way were we ever going to allow a female Beefeater!" explained Defence Minister Des Browne. "There had never been one and I saw no reason to change that. But since we planned on tearing down the Tower anyway - long overdue, too, it's an eyesore - we thought, why not have a bit of fun with her?"

Air Marshal Sir Nukem Goodand Harde, Royal Air Force, agreed. "So we let the news media and Cameron think there was a snowball's chance in hell of there actually being a woman Beefeater at the Tower. We conveniently 'forgot', heh, heh, to tell them there'd be no Tower for her to be a Beefeater AT! The very idea of a woman Beefeater is bollocks. If we allowed that, sooner or later they'd want a woman Prime Minister...what? When did THAT happen?"

Experts explain that the Beefeaters got their name because they uh, eat beef, or something. Although other experts claim the name actually originated because the Beefeaters feat bees. All agree, however, that the Beefeaters' real purpose was to capture from the Vatican's Swiss Guard the title of "world's least effective and silliest-costumed army".

Perhaps the oddest development in this story started when Conservative Party leader David Cameron read in the Daily Mail the headline: "Cameron named first female Beefeater". As David later recounted, "I thought they were trying to tell me I'd never be Prime Minister, so I'd better settle for Beefeater. Except I was puzzled by that 'female' part. I'd heard of affirmative action, but here was an extreme example of it! But what the hell, if that's what it takes..." David promptly flew to Denmark and underwent a sex-change operation.

He, or rather she, returned a surprisingly attractive woman named Davida Cameron, ready to start the job of Beefeater. At that point the Tory boss first heard the part of the news story she had not read. Davida had a comment on all that, but unfortunately it was not printable.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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