In a surprise announcement this morning the home secretary announced that all people over forty will receive a free polystyrene hat an their birthday this year.
This is due to the large number of hat thefts which have risen nation wide by 1,500,062.5% in the past six months. The hats are usually stolen by hat manufacturers who employ special workers to steal hats by use of sharp sticks which they stick through peoples letter boxes impale the hats on, then recycle them for bicycle production.
The new hats will be made by the well known hat super-giant Dolbton Hubris and Hubris. They were selected for the commission by staff from over twenty nine different government departments including MI 6, 12 & 13. The hats will be made from the most common form of Polystyrene, inflated polystyrene which is commonly used in packaging.
The hat bill is the first order passed by the new home secretary who contrary to popular belief is the chav pier sir Fulham Cheevlin A.S.B.O. Famous for his I'm not posh, I'm a scumbag campaign last year which got him his seat. But his critics have described this as a gross misuse of government money as this will cost the tax payer thirty two and a half million pounds.
A home office spokesperson today said that although thirty two and a half million pounds sounds like a lot of money it is only 85.7 pence per hat which is barely half the price that people would pay for a more traditional jelly, a hat which is elasticated for extra wobble.