Barking Kabbalah Center, London - (Rabid Bonkers Press): Disgraced ex-spook David Shayler has hotly refuted claims that the Reverend Pat Robertson is personally responsible for directing the course of Hurricane Dean, as reported by The Spoof's Alaskan correspondent Gnarly Erik.
Shayler, 39, was interviewed in the UK press last week after telling Channel 4 News that an out of body experience (sic) - possibly a form of psychic ejaculation - came over him, when a tea leaf reader in London's College of Psychic Studies 'channelled' the spirit of Mary Magdalene who initiated him as the next Messiah.
Since then he claims he's been able to summon up the weather, raise storms, tempests, hurricanes and tropical tornadoes.
Today's reports citing Robertson's sole preserve in these matters has been hotly disputed by Shayler who ranks the Virginia Beach pastor as a C-List God-Squad celeb, well-past his sell-by and with puny meterological powers in comparison to his own.
Shayler is "agog at Robertson's impertinence" after reading in The Spoof! Gnarly Erik's assertion that "Robertson, an avid supporter of divine retribution, claims he originated, and is now 'steering' Hurricane Dean to a direct hit on Jamaica."
"No way could that ageing protein-degying pancake salesman steer so much as a cockroach to a rancid mouse-dropping as far as I am concerned," Shayler bragged at his ashram at the Barking Kabbalah Center this afternoon.
"All weather-raising franchises have been allotted to me personally by the Yahweh Godhead as of June 2006," Shayler continued.
"And the assertion that Robertson instigated the Dean Hurricane on Orders From Above is, frankly, ludicrous!
"Also, what personally gets my goat is the writer's claims about 'the sons of Ham cursed for eternity'.
"As all Londoners know, Ham is a particularly desirable location in West London, fairly close to Richmond and Putney, and sharing delightful Thames-side views with these residential conurbations.
"Having been born and bred in the environs of Ham, I hotly dispute the Old Testament smear on me, the neighborhood I grew up in and hopefully the one where I shall one day spread my own seed.
"Robertson must be totally ga-ga with senility to have come up with that one," Shayler continued.
"If there's so much as another peep out of the daftass old geriatric preacher about what I conisder to be my new-found territorial rights I shall be forced to blab to the world all the stuff that I pilfered from MI5 files about him but have kept quiet about since getting busted on Official Secrets Act charges in 2001!"
There has been no commoent from the Robertson camp but a statement may clarify the position as early as tomorrow.
