London - (Ass Mess): Buckingham Palace's Lord Chamberlain Lord Luce-Cannon has condemned tabloid press reports that Kate Middleton is back in the bosom of the royal family and told Court Correspondents Association reporters that the "bloody stupid little cow" is a right royal liability with designs to completely bring down the Puppet Monarchy.
"That young woman has nothing better to do than milk the dregs of her scuppered fling," Luce-Cannon said today.
"We've warned her to go and get a sensible job - behind the Cheese Counter of Sainsbury's for instance, or in an Oxfam Shop where she can rifle for goodies in the Returns Section so popular in terms of her sartorial taste!
"But she keeps popping up in all the old haunts where she used to get paid to give the impression that the Pretender's Heir Apparent is a proper young hetero hunk.
"And what a disaster that was!
"No wonder he dumped her, the sly-faced stick insect!
"But still she persists in flouncing around Mayfair nightclubs as if she was famous.
"Famous? Silly little po-faced slapper with assymetric eyebrows, who is the spitting image of that other little cow Tara Palmer Tompkinson.
"Perhaps they are really a mother and daughter combo in disguise?"
This weekend Middleton is in the news after accepting a starring role in a Camel Race in Dubai where she will officially inagurate a Camel Jockeys' Welfare Fund for Dubai's top mobster cartel boss Shaikh McTomb Raider.
Meanwhile in Bowington Barracks, William is said to have found comfort and solace with a 200 pound 6ft 6in Australian squaddie called Baz who acts as his batman and "sees to his every need".
Chelsy Davy is a silly little slagette.
