Written by Quentin Dynamite

Sunday, 29 July 2007

image for Farting Ban - Cameron Speaks Out
Cameron - Enjoys A Good Trumpet

The Conservative leader David Cameron today slammed the government's ban on farting in public places.

The restrictions, which come into effect at midnight tonight, make it illegal to blow off in any public building, or place where more than four people congregate. Mr Cameron - himself not averse to leaving the odd 'Eau De Turd' floating behind him - said that the ban was "an infringement of the rights of all hard-working men and women to blast away after eight hours at the office. This ban will create a bad smell amongst the voters".

Liberal Democrat leader Sir Mingus Campbell joined in the attack: "I know that many of my constituents will be saddened by this petty restriction on their civil liberties. I myself have always appreciated the freedom to honk out a few quacks following a debate in the house. This absurd ban will force many public houses, cinemas and football grounds out of business. The 'Right To Rattle Off' will be a key issue at the next election".

Prime Minister Gordon Brown remained unmoved, however: "Along with smoking, farting is one of the biggest dangers to public health in this country. I had a letter last week from one of my constituents, whose father broke his hip following a particularly vicious arse-attack. He has been forced to retire from work, and now travels around in an invalid carriage with open windows. Just one more guff could kill him".

Experts are still not united in their support of an all-out ban. Dr Juvius Tornado of the pro-farting group FOREST - 'Farting Or Rattling Eases Stress and Tension' - said that "the dangers of second-hand whiffies have been exaggerated. I grew up in an area where it was common practice to call on your neighbours, trumpet away over a cuppa and still be able to do the housework. My family practically had no arses in their trousers due to over-farting, but it did them no harm".

The battle for the 'hearts and behinds' of the nation continues tonight, with a House Of Commons motion stating "this House believes it is a traditional British freedom to bark out of one's backside".

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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