Congestion charging in London has been a "complete success" according to London Medical Officer of Health Dr Thomas Stutterwell.
"Since we introduced charges on people coming into the capital city with colds, catarrh, sneezes or even sniffles the incidence of respiratory-related diseases has halved" said the Doc. "Not only that we've collected a shitload of dosh."
An intensive advertising campaign has been used to reinforce the message - "Snot stay home." Posters on buses, tube trains, even in black cabs have all carried the stark warning: "If you've a full nose you'll have an empty wallet."
Nevertheless, says Stutterwell, "phlegm has paid. By stationing collectors at every exit point on every part of the transport network in London we've caught practically everyone with even a slightly runny nose. You'd be amazed at how many people think they can flout the rules. Well my message is - don't even think about it. Leave your greenies at home."
The money collected will fund two new posts to create and manage a "Sputum Awareness Week", currently planned for early June.
