Breast is Best

Funny story written by Bannon Orcus

Wednesday, 2 May 2007


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image for Breast is Best
Dr. Ti Tlicker hard at work

Breastfeeding newborn babies while lying down might boost the chances of success, UK research suggests. Don Mathis, head of Watch Womens Breasts UK released the findings after months of study.

Nancy Hitler is one mother who can vouch for the effectiveness of the approach.

Nancy had a "horrendous time" trying to breastfeed when her daughter Camomile was born despite popping her breasts out at every opportunity.

As manager of a play centre she knew that breastfeeding was best and, after having a home birth while washing up, she wanted to do everything as naturally as possible, choosing to chew through the umbilical cord and lick the baby clean, "Just as Nature intended" she concluded.

"I had about six weeks of pain, I had a bleeding nipple on the right and fed on my left the whole time which then became really sore, I think it's my teeth as Chamomile feeds through a bottle"

"It was really unbearable and I was half way to giving up at six weeks, and that's a big thing for me to admit."

Through an online mothers support group Nancy, who lives in Guildford, found out about Biological Nurturing - a programme promoting different ways of holding babies to encourage breastfeeding - which offered her a salesman to visit and tuition her by fondling her breasts.

Fortunately she also had a meeting with Dr Ti Tlicker, senior midwifery lecturer at Canterbury Christ Church University, who demonstrates the technique over a 1 hr period in the comfort of your own home.

"We tried lots of different positions, he told me to stand up and jump up and down for a bit with no top or bra on, to loosen the milk, before massaging them for about 15 minutes, only then did hold the baby and then lie back and get some pillows around me.

"I could lay down on the sofa, gradually reclining my body, which would take the weight of the baby and it's much freer. While he took photographs - for his records"

By 12 weeks, breastfeeding in the new position had made life much easier for mother and daughter, and money started to arrive from the pictures.

Nancy, 26, also explained that the new position helped with an old figure-skating injury where she caught her left size "D" breast between the boot and her blade.

"Lying down doesn't suit everybody but it's about trying to be as relaxed as possible, we are trying naked inversion techniques next week."

There is a good breastfeeding support group in Nancy's area which is keen on the Biological Nurturing programme but she admits not everyone is as lucky to have Dr. Tlicker.

Camomile is now seven and Nancy is planning to breastfeed her for another few years.

"It's comfortable and I am so happy now," Camomile says.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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