London - (Ass Mess): Top Met cop Brian Paddick is being booted out by taking out early retirement next month after losing every hand of five years' high stakes blackmail poker against his boss Sir Ian Blair in a tortuous battle over gagging some of the more disgusting secrets surrounding Charles, Camilla and the constant re-invention of the Mountbatten puppet monarchy.
Paddick, 49, career high consisted famously of changing cannabis policing in Lambeth, South London where the toughest, most savvy UK drugs barons have held court for the last forty years.
And while weed aficinados benefitted from the relatively easy life that ensued for ordinary smokers, mobster cartels flourished under the Commander's softy-softly policy amid unprecedented increases in violent crime.
Two years ago Paddick called his Met boss's bluff by stating publicly that Sir Ian Blair knew all along that the Brazilian elecrtician gunned down at point blank range on a London underground train was a case of mistaken ID.
But in what has increasingly looked like an elephant trap custom-made for the Met's biggest apologist for House of Mountbatten organised crime, Paddick fell hook line and proverbial sinker into a daft trap of his own making where his allegations about his boss's supposed foreknowledge left him hung out to dry.
And in breaking news the Spoof can reveal that David Cameron, the asshole Tory leader and great-nephew of top wartime fascist Oswald Moseley, is to woo Paddick into being groomed as the next Conservative Mayoral candidate for London.
"Lambs to the slaughter," a top Whitehall spook chortled today.
"Where DO they get them from?"