Written by queen mudder

Saturday, 14 April 2007

image for Kate Middleton: My gay heartbreak
"and the occasional orgasm on a Saturday knight"

London - (Ass Mess): Kate Middleton has spoken for the first time since signing an exclusive £500,000 kiss-and-tell about the loneliness of the last two years.

"Before I got this wacking great big cheque from The Daily Fascist I had to rely on royal hand-me-downs.

"Friday nights at Boojis always depended on Wills making a phone call to Buck House for an emergency £250 petty cash sub.

"And all my clothes came from cheapo Oxford Street hellholes run by mafia gangsters like Philip Green.

"My little Nissan Micra was a second hand repo bought at a bailiffs' auction in Tooting.

"Even my tacky job buying pointless women's accessories for Primark was a grace-and-favor stunt.

"You have to understand that as a woman, I have my needs.

"And those include bling, bling and more bling.

"Lavish all-expenses paid holidays every month. Expense account shopping in Knightsbridge. Automatic credit card bill clearance. And no questions asked.

"Oh, and the occasional orgasm on a Saturday knight.

"Right now I'm just enjoying being single again. But this could change.

Next week Kate is off to California amid rumors of an exclusive Hollywood bio-pic deal which could net her $$$$$.

And William? He's saying nothing as yet about the blonde six foot eight squaddie called Mavis who has captured his heart and maybe his testicles.

Camilla is livid.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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