London - (Rotters): UK teachers have been ordered to drop all reference to the Crusades and the Holocaust as Opus Dei members pledge to wipe out the UK Labour Party's staggering £30 million election overdraft and fix Iran's President Ahmadinejad's vows to execute the Royal Navy hostages.
Making the announcement Prime Monster Tony Blair said that this would be a helpful move and would encourage people to see things his way for a long time to come.
"The past is the past and there's absolutely no point in going back and learning a few ugly facts.
"Truss me, as my Opus Dei friends are always saying. Nothing can be gained by constantly harking back to something that probably might never have happened anyway if we had managed to burn the history books like in the good old days of the Third Reich.
"But hey! Can't have too much of a good thing. At least this way we don't offend Iran's President Ahmadinejad who as we all know hates those World War II myths.
"So let's start with a clean balance sheet and clean underwear and a big vote for the Tehran Olympic Games in 2016!"
But meanwhile at Jerusalem's Wailing Wall the mood is sombre as Passover Week gathers momentum and former Blair cronies finally agree to dump him over the Good Friday Agreement.
Lord Levy is apoplectic.