London - (Rioters): UK Prime Monster Tony Blair has appointed Paul Burrell, self-publicising former butler to the late Princess Diana, to the top household post in Downing Street after Cherie threatened to go on sex strike rather than lift another finger to do the dusting, clean behind the fridge or make any more sandwiches for VIP Global Piss Process Luminaries or other visitors to her husband's seat of power.
The post was advertised in Whores & Hound magazine after advisers said the publication would attract the right sort of applicants with skills honed in tact as well as standard civil service arse-licking.
The job is thought to carry a salary of around £50,000 per annum with all the usual added perks: guaranteed holiday breaks with has-been 1970s crooners, free private education for children and a retirement package that includes a life peerage in the House of Lords.
Burrell is starting his new job next week and will be living in accommodation on the top floor of Number Ten that is traditionally reserved for emergency situations such as over-nighting during matrimonial bust-ups.
In addition to all the usual butling duties Burrell is understood to also be in charge of up to a dozen pit bull-type mastiffs impounded by Liverpool police last week under the Dangerous Dogs Act which will serve in the household protection squad in case Chancellor of the Exchequer ever feels like popping round to measure up for curtains.
