Students: Beware of Piccalilli loving Porter

Funny story written by victoria

Sunday, 7 December 2003

Students at universities around the country beware. There is a man pretending to be a porter/handyman lurking in the shadows. This ‘man' can be identified by the fact that he wears a name badge that he's made himself, its got sequins and glitter and everything on it, the latest edition is a miniature bell and bits of cotton wool hanging off it, because its festive apparently and he likes the feel of cotton wool against his skin.

There have been several reports from permanently scared students about this impostor's activities one student said, ‘On entering students rooms-uninvited-he points to the badge and says ‘special business, init'. This man is able to force himself into student's rooms by using his master key which he got cut by chloroforming the real porters. He's a slippery little blighter. His latest thing is to perform magic in front of students by making coins disappear and then reappear behind said students ears, ‘its behind your ear me likkle treacle' he cackles.

This man who goes by the name of ‘Mick' has seemingly appeared from nowhere, apparently no mental institute, home for the nuts, or general factory for the disposal of social wrongs has reported a man fitting his description missing, although one policeman did say ‘look love if you had a nutter like that on yer ‘ands would you really be complainin' and reportin' him missing when you finally got rid?'

Mick has an unsightly obsession with sandwich fillings in particular piccalilli, he enjoys caking him self in the immoral yellow stuff and he has been known to dabble in the field of potted meats. He uses the piccalilli to act as a kind of calling card, he likes to smear some on the top lip of sleeping students it lets everyone know that they've been ‘Micked'.

Mick has also been known to smell the bed sheets in students rooms when they aren't in; he calls it his ‘special scent'. On a recent attempt to bottle said scent, Mick was nearly caught but fortunately enough for him he managed to slip himself behind a nearby lamp post and the student was oblivious to his presence.

The final way to spot and capture Mick is through his imaginary friend (called Keith) that installs hidden cameras into the rooms/study bedrooms. ‘Naughty Keith!' Mick utters, while rubbing his hands, as a camera is installed.

Policemen are doing some stuff to stop this nutter, but students have been advised to lock themselves into their rooms until all this palaver passes, unless the nutter is already in their room, in which case you're on your own I'm afraid cocker.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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