London - (ReUterus & Ass Mess): Prince William, officially the eldest son of the Pretender to the Throne, has been outed today as the natural bastard offspring of warring one-legged self-publicist Heather Mills, who replaced Princess Diana's toddler after Charles accidentally shot and ate him during the grouse-potting season in Balmoral in 1984.
The swap came as infuriated UK Prime Monster of the day Margaret Thatcher panicked that her grand Millenium Hellfire Club scheme was scuppered with young Wills's demise. and was advised by Jeffrey Archer of the existence of a comely doppelganger squeezed from the Mills loins after a wanton night of congress with fedgeling Labour MP Gordon Brown.
And so the changeling too up its residence in the Kensington Palace cuckoo nest and was shortly joined by one of Archer's very own projeny when young Harry was accidentally shot with a police protection squad revolver by his elder 'brother' during a game of Mummies and Daddies.
Twenty years on and the con is still running as the Mountbatten implant continues to milk an outrageous sinecure from Crown incomes and carries on the pretence of bluer blooded life.
But now that his real mother Heather Mills enters round ten of a fifteen round divorce knock-out from ageing rocker Paul McCartney the knives are coming out thick and fast in the continuing blackmail and extortion racket.
Leading UK bookmakers are slashing the odds for tears before betimefor aspiring royal fiancee-in-waiting Kate Middleton as paparazzi and Special Branch pave the way for 'William' and Heather to be hoist on their own petard.