Written by Paul W

Sunday, 8 April 2018

image for Missing County Durham man Robert Shafto found in San Fransiscan gay den

The over 20 decades long search for missing Spennymoor man Robert (aka Bobby) Shafto appears to finally have come to an end last night as the Chief Constable for County Durham police announced that the investigation was being stepped down following confirmation that remains had been found at an infamous San Fransiscan night spot attended in later years by celebrities including Elton John.

It is understood that Mr John, being born 150 years after Mr Shafto's disappearance, is not wanted in connection with the death.

Mr Shafto, rumoured to once have been a member of parliament, went missing not long after the publication of the famous folk song 'Bobby Shafto's Gone To Sea':

Bobby Shafto’s gone to sea,
Silver buckles on his knee;
He’ll come back and marry me,
Bonny Bobby Shafto!
Bobby Shafto’s bright and fair,
Combing down his yellow hair;
He’s my love for e'er and e'er,
Bonny Bobby Shafto!

Bobby Shafto's looking out,
All his ribbons flew about,
All the ladies gave a shout,
Hey for Bobby Shafto![6]

Using the latest psychological techniques, police officers were able to forensically pinpoint the likely whereabouts of Mr Shafto from the 18th Century text, as explained by Chief Constable Terry Gravy:

"Whilst we wouldn't wish to speculate on the thinking of Mr Shafto at the time, we were able to piece together from words spoken about him that he might have emigrated to a place where silver buckles and ribbons would regularly be worn. We all remember Adam Ant and David Bowie so we know that this kind of thing has been going on for years but what my team and myself were surprised to find was that nearly anyone down south used to dress like this back then. We started with the south of England as a whole but particularly Brighton but we couldn't find a sufficient lead in to the whereabouts. This investigation has been pretty harrowing for some of our younger constables who were barely out of short trousers even when Will Young first came on to the scene. Not that there is any suggestion that Mr Young's sudden rise to fame coincided with an increase in either short trousers or the unexpected removal of them'.

Officers finally traced Mr Shafto's final resting place to the former site of 'Yellow Guru', the infamous 1970s nightclub in which Dennis Hopper was once falsely alleged to have forcibly inserted the wing mirror of a 1977 Kawasaki motorcycle in to the rectums of the cast of Happy Days.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Nursery Rhymes

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