During yesterday’s particularly moving “This Morning” segment, presenter Holly Willoughby shed so many tears that her entire body was drained of moisture, leaving her as a dried-out husk on the famous couch.
As little Timmy Syrup, aged seven and three quarters, told the presenter how he’d been caring for his crippled granny from the age of three months old - despite having ADHD, leprosy, and a bad case of rickets – Ms Willoughby’s entire body was drained of the 72% of water necessary to sustain human life.
“She went from attractive young TV Mother, to terrifying crusty nightmare in about thirty seconds,” said Doctor Piers Crippen, This Morning’s house surgeon. “Her tears turned into a thick goo, and she showed every symptom associated with chronic dehydration simultaneously: Constipation, asthma, weight gain, premature ageing … you name it, she had it. And then, suddenly, there she was; dry, dusty, and shrivelled up like an autumn leaf”.
Several stage hands immediately ran onto the This Morning set, dousing Ms. Willoughby’s dusty remains with buckets of ionised alkaline water. She was soon rehydrated, but upon seeing Timmy sitting on the couch opposite, she completely failed to hold it together. This resulted in even more tears, and the entire rehydration process having to be started once more; a cycle of tears, dehydration, and rehydration which went on for several hours, to the bemusement of This Morning’s millions of loyal viewers.
Timmy, who remains scarred by the experience, not to mention his recent lobotomy, told us how it felt to watch the national treasure drying out before his eyes.
“It was horrible,” he said, adjusting his crutch with one skinless hand. “One minute I was telling her about how the man next door beat my puppy to death with a brick, the next she was crying so much it sounded a bit like screaming. Before I knew it, she was just lying there like an incinerated chip.”
Ms. Willoughby is currently being kept underwater, on a steady diet of Valium.
