London - (Ass Mess): Police investigating the toxic poisoning of ex-KGB spook Alex Litvinenko have issued a grim warning to partying Londoners that this year's Xmas supplies of cocaine may have been contaminated with Plutonium 210 - the lethal poison that has spread a global trail connected to the Non-Aligned Crack Barons Movement.
This startling conclusion was first branded a scare story but has rapidly snowballed into credibility after doctors at the National Poisons Unit which treated the hapless spook admitted they were told not to mention that his nose had been glowing 'like Rudolf the Red-Nosed Raine Dear' when he was first admitted. Nor that it then fell off completely when he sneezed.
A rapid PR photo-op campaign of a bald but otherwise nasally non-deprived Litvinenko was then issued by the NPU press unit after UK cops insisted on playing down such unfounded narcotics speculation following a lot of pleading from the rival pressure group the Colombian Much-Maligned Crack Barons Movement - a UK Global Piss Process ally in the War Against Terra which was recently granted Most Favored Partner trading status by the Blair Administration at No 10 Downing Street.
The ex-spook's widow has refused to be drawn into this latest twist in the controversy and has always denied that her late husband was anything other than a truly moral, upright, law-abiding kind of former KGB spy with no enemies or contacts among the nefarious elites of Moscow's organised crime cartels....