Written by dulcie gabbani

Thursday, 19 May 2016

image for 'Cock and Balls' man in court again

A 44 year old man from Greenfield has once more appeared before Uppermill magistrates accused of drawing an obscene image on a neighbours car.

Doug Graves, appearing in court for the third time in six years, was accused of 'drawing a large cock and balls' on a Ford Mondeo, owned by retired spinster, Ms Dorothy Pickles (68) of Cuttlefish Mews, Greenfield, 'causing her untold anguish and distress'.

The court was told by Mr Graves solicitor, Hillary Grabbit, that he was an upstanding member of the community, who was married, had two children, a decent job with a good salary, a nice house, an expensive car and a B&Q club card".

"Basically" she said "my client is a fairly average sort of chap living a fairly average kind of life".

Judge Reginald Gravel asked her. "Why then, would a fairly average sort of chap living a fairly normal kind of life want to draw a large phallus on someones car"?.

Ms Grabbit told the court that her client has suffered from a very rare disease referred to as 'Stupid Schoolboy Syndrome' (stultus scholis malardium) or SSS as it is known in some medical circles, since the age of seven, and had always drawn the same things out of boredom. In fact his condition was so bad that Mr Graves wife, Anthea, has to constantly clean the furniture and any flat surfaces in their home, as her husband will immediately draw a cock and balls on any dirty or dusty surface he sees?

The Judge then spoke about Mr Graves previous run in's with the law, for similar offences going back to 2010.
"It would appear from your record Mr Graves, that you were first brought before the court and warned about your behaviour in 2010, when you received a £75 fine for drawing a large ejaculating phallus on the roof of Lord Mayor, Reynard Upchuckle's, prized Rover 75".
"In 2013 you were prosecuted by Greenfield Royal Infirmary after creating two extremely large phallic symbols in their grounds with a lawnmower, which you took, without permission, from the groundsmans shed."

"I am reliably informed that, due to their size, they went undetected for several days, and the hospital authorities were only made aware, after being informed by a passing police helicopter. It would appear that you hadn't learnt your lesson, and you were given a sentence of 180 hours unpaid community service".

The judge then asked the defendant to stand while he considered his verdict.

"Mr Graves, I find that you are nothing more than a common nuisance. I have asked my clerk to verify the existence of 'Stupid Schoolboy Syndrome', and the results have come back, surprisingly, that there is no such malady, and its invention was a ploy by Ms Grabbit to better your defence. Basically you are bordering on being plain juvenile, and this type of behaviour, if it ever happens again, will result in a custodial sentence. Do you understand me Mr Graves"

Mr Graves muttered "Yes sir" whilst sheepishly looking at his shoes and shuffling his feet.

Judge Gravel continued his closing statement by saying "I have taken into account that your acts were mainly of a juvenile, and not, a criminal nature, and that you are not a threat to the public due to the fact that you are basically a moron. However the public has to be protected from people who are persistent phallus artists, so on this occasion I have deemed that you should pay a fine of £250".

It was at this point, that several people in the public gallery noticed that Mr Graves didn't appear to be listening to the judge, as his attention seemed to have been drawn to a dusty patch on the ledge of the prisoners dock, over which his index finger was now ominously hovering........

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Topics: vandalism, grafitti




Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
48 readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more