Written by Shortty

Sunday, 22 June 2014

image for Better the devil you know
"These people are animals" this prostitute told us

It seems the Middle East is lurching from one crisis to another, with each more bloody than the last. For years Israelis have been under attack from seemingly all around them. The West stood and watched. When Christians began to be wiped out, no action was taken. Now though, Britain is ready to act as a tragic humanitarian disaster begins to unfold. Al Qaeda are under attack and unless we step in, their future looks very bleak indeed.

Cast your mind back to 2001 and Al Qaeda were the name on everybodys lips. They were respected globally for their impeccable organisation skills and ability to pull off the most daring feats. It seemed like nothing was beyond them. When we started hearing of Al Qaeda in the Arabian Peninsular we assumed it was natural expansion. Then word started to reach us of Al Qaeda were being targeted for their lunch money by Al Shabaab, a group comprised mainly of Somalian cattle rapists. There seemed to be a new bully in the playground.

Al Qaeda responded by blowing up the reception area at a Sandals All Inclusive resort in Corfu in a defiant display meant to publicly reassert their dominance. This seemingly impressed everyone except a new group known as Boko Haram. They decreed that Al Qaeda had "gone pussy" for booking a Sandals holiday in the first place, and immediately put a Jihad on them. Al Qaeda's dwindling influence was confirmed by their demotion of two places in the Daily Mail's "Table of Terror", where they were now sandwiched between Al Shabaab and Sepp Blatter.

Boko Harams popularity was itself short lived. Their most popular trick was making people disappear, but the public soon realised that David Copperfield had been doing that for years and he wasn't even particularly radical. Top spot in the "Table of Terror" looked up for grabs, and now a new group is claiming that position as their own.

ISIS have quickly established themselves as the new bad guy in town. They have been described by a leading expert on Middle Eastern terror groups as "fuckin' mental, as mad as a box of frogs". Glowing praise such as this has seen a huge rise in the number of British youngsters finishing University, eschewing the traditional "gap year" and leaving to join the group, who are so dangerous they are rumoured to eat anybody who looks at them "in a funny way". The internet is now littered with videos of young men threatening to cut your ears off, but until now this has not been taken seriously because they have been doing it in a thick Brummie accent.

With seemingly endless numbers of new groups emerging, all hell bent on outdoing the last, Al Qaeda have been marginalised to such an extent that they are now openly ridiculed by the others. Membership has dropped sharply since images of Osama bin Laden masturbating over images on the Sunday Sport website were posted online by the Americans. Some of the remaining members have spoken of feeling depressed or even suicidal, but not in the good way, just plain old suicidal.

With nowhere to turn, Al Qaeda have appealed to the British government on the grounds that their human rights are being infringed. Thankfully our government agrees and has immediately summoned all senior Al Qaeda operatives to the UK where they will be asked to fill several currently vacant positions as Headmasters in schools across the midlands. Nick clegg has declared this a victory for common sense, saying yesterday "this is clearly a victory for common sense".

And who can argue with logic like that?

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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