Written by Jack Allen

Saturday, 14 June 2014

image for Peado-files Ready To Burst
This file holds 3% of the Evidence For The Rolf Harris Case

According to new research, even with the recent high profile convictions of Stuart Hall, Ian Watkins and others, the number of active peadophiles living in the UK continues to increase.

The main reason highlighted in the new research is that the fear of conviction has dropped drastically since it has become abundantly clear, thanks to the extensive coverage in the press, that peadophiles are rarely caught and imprisoned. Statistics reveal that 80% of children between 7 and 15 years old have been assaulted or thought about in an indecent manner by an unconvicted paedophile. Some towns and cities have reported peadophiles getting together in public places, such as the supermarket or the toilets at Debenhams, to discuss their conquests with no action being taken against them.

However, The Police issued a statement today, arguing the latest findings. "There are still sex offenders out there and we will catch them. We had great success in convicting hundreds of peadophiles last year. We recently completed a highly successful operation in which we investigated and then arrested every person that records Big Fat Gypsy Wedding. This yielded a 92% conviction rate. We know what we are doing!"

Great Britain's entertainment industry continues to recover from the prosecutions and trials involving well-known stars, with the study stating the even with more sex offenders living in the country, celebrity cases will fall drastically over the next five years. One BBC employee who wishes to remain anonymous said, "It'll be nice to see it, to see it…done."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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