Health and safety update the banned list

Funny story written by IainB

Friday, 10 May 2013

image for Health and safety update the banned list
Very dangerous and now banned.

Britain's Health and Safety Executive have recently updated their banned list or household items that are no longer allowed in public buildings.

"The first item on the latest list," said Daisy Bump, chairman of the H&SE, "is welcome mats. These insane items are place just inside doorways, or sometimes outside the doorway, and have the sole intention of tripping up the unwary. So they're gone."

Anywhere that insists on having a welcome mat, must have it recessed into the floor, such that the mat is flush with the level of the floor.

"The mat must also be regularly replaced to ensure that it never sinks below the level of the floor," said Bump, "at which point the recess becomes a trip hazard instead."

Also on the list are light switches, door handles and chairs with less than five legs.

"Light switches are a constant source of injury," Bump said. "Our accident logs are filled with electrocutions, broken nails and blisters caused by trapping skin between the plaque and the switch. All buildings will now have lights sense people and relevant light levels. This will also save energy, so it's win-win."

Door handles, it seems, are equally dangerous. "I'm forever catching jumper sleeves, hood toggles and my hair on door handles," said Bump. "I nearly ripped my hand off when I got my wedding ring caught on one. We've yet to come up with a viable alternative, but may involve automatic doors that go 'swoosh' as the open to make them like Star Trek. They don't have door handle problems do they?"

The chairs with less than five legs are on the list to protect the stupid from themselves.

"People will quite often tip back a chair or stool," said Bump. "This leads to the seating appliance tipping right over and depositing the unwary on their back, leading to severe injury. The addition of a fifth leg prevents sitting utensils from being tipped as easily, thus preventing the problem. We're all about prevention here!"

Daisy Bump would have gone onto list other items that are now banned, such as keys left in locks, window ledges, quantum mechanics and butter, but she took a step back and fell down a flight of steps. It is expected that steps will be on next year's banned list.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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