Droylsden finally gets its tram

Funny story written by IainB

Thursday, 7 February 2013

image for Droylsden finally gets its tram
The last train to visit Droylsden is still there. Complete with passengers. Now, finally the passengers can use the tram

After being in the planning stage for twenty years, the much vaunted Manchester tram system is to get it's first of several new extensions that will take the tram network into East Manchester. This week, the first part of this opens, with stops in Droylsden.

"We didn't really want to put a tram link into East Manchester," said tram director, Pat Carnivore. "It's a horrible area. We like having the tram go to some nice areas. Sadly, this is Manchester, and there are no nice areas. The best we've got is Sale, and to be frank, that's a dump too."

Although the new tram line extends all the way to Ashton-under-Lyne, famous for having the world's oldest piece of unpicked up litter, so far, only the line as far as Droylsden has been completed. The population of Droylsden are ecstatic that the line will terminate in Droylsden for at least a little bit.

"It's great," said local resident, Humphry Dumpfries. "Once the lines complete, nobody needs to stop at Droylsden even for traffic lights. Most of the people here are employed cleaning windscreens. So while it's stopping in Droylsden, we'll make the most of it, and sell hotdogs or something."

"We'd have finished months ago," said Carnivore, "but people keep stealing the tracks. We've had to post guards every twenty feet until the concrete sets. Even then, it's been nicked. So far, it's been less of a tram network, and more of a tram notwork."

There is still another four miles of track to finish from Droylsden to Ashton. Work is expected to be completed on this section within the next fifty years.

"It could be as soon as next year," said Carnivore. "But we don't want to build false hope."

Despite not actually finishing the eastern line of the tram network, Carnivore has decided to celebrate the bit they have finished by opening it up to the public.

"People in Droylsden will be able to get to Manchester and beyond," said Carnivore. "Obviously, the reverse is also true, but who'd want to?"

Droylsden has not had a train station since it was discovered that the residents were watching the trains, not because the residents were train spotters, but instead thought that trains were big metal dragons. Some were trying to get too close and getting run over. Now, they will have a new station, a tram station.

To celebrate, Carnivore has brought in Mark Eden to open the new section of line.

"What we're really hoping," said Carnivore, "is that he gets run over by a tram, like he did when he played Alan Bradley in Coronation Street. As well as being an important safety message, it might cause the line to be closed for a good long time."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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