Extreme Health & Safety

Funny story written by Seriously

Monday, 7 August 2006

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No more "dangerous" pole sliding for fire-fighters

Following reports that the new £2.1m Greenbank fire service HQ in Plymouth has been built without the traditional "pole" for health and safety reasons, The Spoof has learnt of other instances of PC lunacy that continue to blight poor old Blighty.

For example, The Metropolitan Police has just announced that it will no longer use sirens when in pursuit of criminals for fear of rupturing crooks' eardrums as they close in. Meanwhile, super-market giant Tesco has said that its customers must now prove they have driving licences before they are permitted to use its latest model of shopping trolley that comes with a two-stroke petrol engine and five gears. This is in response to several customers threatening legal action having been injured following several inter-aisle collisions.

Most surprisingly is that fact that Barclaycard is considering withdrawing from the UK credit-card market after a customer audit highlighted the fact that many people had suffered cut fingers when using their cards. Additionally, many others were found to be harbouring thoughts about suing for compensation having become depressed that their limits had been reached and the fact that they can no longer satiate their appetites for persistent internet gambling or TV shopping.

Speaking from a heavily padded office with no pens, staplers, drawing pins or any other dangerous office stationery for that matter, Mr Stu Pete-Burke, Minister for Health and Safety Protocol (Organisational) felt the above were all very sensible measures:

"I'm pleased my department's efforts to interfere with the customs and practices of organisations with a high-propensity of interaction with an unsuspecting, naïve and increasingly litigious customer-base are taking action to remove any chance of said customers becoming physically or emotionally damaged by their provision of goods or services. Let's face it, we live in a society where people are no longer expected to exercise common sense so we must make life as easy for them as possible.

I mean, how would you feel if you were trying to rob a bank and the next thing you know all hell breaks loose and five squad cars pull up outside with sirens whaling like crazy? Not only would you risk getting serious earache but you'd probably suffer post-traumatic stress or something. And you can't tell me you don't think credit cards are unnecessarily sharp these days?"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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