Written by Ian Watson

Saturday, 3 June 2006

image for Home Office bungles News International sweat shop rescue
A Fox jet landing at an undisclosed UK location

London - Last week, Police and Home Office officials bungled the rescue of 66 illegal immigrants from the clutches of one of Britain's seediest employers.

However, the rescue did not go to plan as the News of the World were given a tip off and managed to blame the whole affair on the Home Office instead.

The workers allegedly were brought into the UK after being identified by Fox Intelligence Agency for having alternative views to the media, using the controversial method of "Journalistic Rendition" workers were placed in a container with others and brought secretly to the UK by Fox unmarked jets.

From that point on, the workers would then be put on to treadmills at News International in east London to power the presses or provide electricity for the publishers building.

We interviewed some of the people involved we were told that "It was horrible, we were tortured and tormented by Australians, we had to work 20 hours a day and they used to beat us with rolled up newspapers if we stopped working", another said "Many of us disappeared, we would go to sleep and find some of us in the morning had disappeared, we were told they had won a place on the Island but I didn't believe them…", worse still was alleged involving forced watching of Neighbours and Crocodile Dundee and being forced to kiss a shrine to President Bush each night were some of the horrific tortures we were told about.

Worse abuses were alleged; one worker claimed he was forced to stunt double a football on Sky TV's Footballers Wives whilst another claimed he was forced to be Rupert Murdoch's dinner table whilst his official one was being fitted with a new dark overlord system.

However it is unlikely that we will ever know the true extent of the misery that these at News International endured as most will likely be deported or sold to the Cabinet Office as cleaning staff in the near future.

We tracked down Truthful Reporter and all round superguy Mazher Mahmood who was according to eyewitnesses allegedly seen jumping out of the driver's seat of the coach just before the police moved in, Mahmoud however refused to speak to us and drove off with his dealer in his gold plated Rolls-Royce. Incidentally, since then, our Photographer was handed something by Mahmoud during our attempts to talk to him and is now helping the Drugs Squad with their enquiries.

So what will happen to the immigrants? We again asked the Home Office who told us that the Terrorist Cell broken by the News of the World were on its way to Guantanamo Bay and were asked if our editor got the D notice in the post.

Breaking news on that story is that a man was shot and injured by police this evening having discovered he was reading the Daily Telegraph and after finding large quantities of furniture and carpet at his abode as well as a suspicious garden and fence has now been charged under the anti-Terrorism laws.

News International were smugly unable for comment and set the dogs on our intrepid reporter who was then reported by News International to the RSPCA for cruelty to animals by allowing himself to be bitten and is awaiting execution at the new Fox wing of Belmarsh Prison.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Topics: Police, London

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
36 readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more