Heathrow Passport Control Queues: Tough Tits, Says Official

Written by Ellis Ian Fields

Friday, 13 April 2012

Hey!

The story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you wish to back out now, please click here to go back to the home page.

image for Heathrow Passport Control Queues: Tough Tits, Says Official

Members of the UK Border Force are enjoying holding up people trying to get through passpoprt control at Heathrow, we can reveal.

Waiting times have been seriously affected by the Easter holidays with some passengers waiting for more than an hour to get through, as queues at the border control snaked around corridors.

Staff have even switched off escalators to slow passengers' movement through the airport terminals and ease pressure at passport control.

But in a shocking interview with someone we met in the pub who claimed to be a member of UK Border Force staff but didn't have any credentials with him, EIF News & Features learned that some were deliberately holding things up.

"Oh yeah! It's brilliant to see all those smug bastards who've been away somewhere nice getting fed up in lines snaking around the hall... tough tits...serves 'em right!

"My best thing is if they come up to me smiling, I look at them all suspicious like, pretend to really look through their passport and keep eyeing them up and down.

"Then, when I've finally let one through, I pretend to look at something important on my desk - but it will probably only be the Fat Slags in Viz or a game on my smartphone."

The officer added that a family with fractious children could be the source of much amusement.

"Terrific - if one or more of the kids is playing up, you can really make life miserable for everyone by holding up the family or the people just in front of them. Pretending not to understand who's on whose passport is a good one with the family - or looking at the father like you just know he's up to no good, keep him at the desk... that gets the wife and kids really upset."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more