No more beer in pubs

Funny story written by IainB

Sunday, 19 February 2012

image for No more beer in pubs
David Cameron: the unlikely hero in saving Britains Boozers

With the success of the smoking ban in reducing the amount of smoking in the UK, moves are now afoot to tackle the British Booze problem in the same way.

"Booze is far more dangerous than any other drug on the planet," said Temperance Camper, co-ordinator for the group Ban Booze Completely. "In terms of lives, livers, cost to the economy and cost to health, booze out competes class-A drugs and smoking."

First off will be a complete ban on alcoholic advertising.

"If we get our way, you'll be banned from advertising wine gums," said Camper. "There will be no bill boards, no television adverts and no sponsorship of major tournaments or clubs."

With alcohol in one form or another forming the sponsorship of many major sporting trophies and football leagues and clubs, this would leave them searching around for sponsorship in a market with little money.

"It's a bad move," said Glasgow Rangers chairman, Kyle Stoneybroke, whose team is sponsored by Carling. "We're already in trouble, and this group would have us on our knees!"

The BBC wouldn't stop there.

"We would then ban boozing in pubs," said Camper. "Research has shown that this has reduced smoking by twenty percent. A similar reduction in boozing would have a massive impact."

Pub landlord, Al Murray, cannot believe what he is hearing.

"I cannot believe what I am hearing," he said. "Are they suggesting that people stand out on the streets drinking booze and smoking fags? What does she think this is? France? The pub is a great British institution and I for one will not stand idly by and let her ruin that which made this country great! Beer! And a fruit based drink for the lady, naturally."

Unfortunately, banning drinking in pubs would not mean people drinking in the street, as this is already prohibited by many by-laws up and down the country.

"Don't get me wrong," said Camper. "We're not against people having a good time. We like to see people laughing and joking. But we want to see them doing it soberly."

David Cameron, leader of the ConDems has listened to all the arguments that the BBC have put forward,

"Whilst I agree that many of their points make a great deal of sense," he said. "I cannot agree to a ban on booze. Getting regularly rat arsed is a great benefit to me and many. It's the only way I can stand Nick Clegg, for a start. And it makes me look like a man of the people if they see me having a swifty down the pub with the lads, what ho? I did offer to discuss it over a brandy, but they all ran away screaming. Wusses; they can't take their drink, that's their problem."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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