Britain may restart opium war with China

Written by MonkeyInTheBath

Monday, 26 December 2011

For centuries Britain has been the world's leading consumer of heroin. Our junkies are the happiest and most wasted on Earth. Indeed, Britain's steel industry was built on providing spoons and syringes for addicts.

But now cheap opium from China is flooding into the country, threatening to undercut supplies from Britain's traditional source, Afghanistan. NATO troops are currently in the country trying to secure supplies.

However it looks likely that cheaper Chinese drugs will eventually win out. Chinese restaurants have begun to give free hits of heroin away with takeaway meals instead of prawn crackers.

PM David Cameron has said he is prepared to go to war with China over the issue, but it is unclear who would win such an opium war.

As an incentive to stop the Chinese, the government is to provide tax breaks for home made substitutes - basically anyone brewing methadone in their shed. Such operations would also qualify for funding from the EU's Common Agricultural Policy.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel was supportive of the PM, saying that Germany stands vein to vein with the British people in their search for good clean heroin supplies. She also offered to set up a European Skag Fund to ensure European countries are not over dependent on Chinese imports.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more