Written by B. Good

Wednesday, 26 October 2011

Senior Tory MP Lance Swan has described his late night arrest in a London park as a misunderstanding that he looks forward to putting firmly behind him.

Speaking to the gathering press, outside his Oxfordshire estate, the MP stood with his wife and daughters as he vehemently denied the claims. "At 4.30am I entered a London park after noticing movement taking place inside some bushes. Worried that it was a trapped animal, I decided to investigate. As I approached I slipped on the damp undergrowth and landed on top of a Brazilian national called Carlos, not a trapped animal. As my family will confirm, I am a keen advocate of animal welfare and it was this, combined with my late night stroll due to insomnia, combined with wet ground due to heavy rain earlier in the day, that has lead to this misunderstanding".

During the expenses scandal it was revealed that MP Lance Swan regularly visited a Gay Massage Parlour during his time at Westminster. A rumour he is determined to correct by appointing the services of a leading PR firm at £25,000 per month. He recently stated, "An undercover reporter has wrongly claimed that he regularly provided me with alcohol and massages at a venue in Central London. I have viewed the evidence provided by The Sunday Sun and am now working with the Family Records Office to investigate the possibility that I have a twin brother who was adopted at birth. I am unable to comment further due to ongoing investigations".

The Commons Standards and Privileges Committee is investigating why public money was paid to the account of Buck & Ben's Sauna Ltd.

Meanwhile Susan Swan has described her decision to leave the family home as a way of providing her husband with "the space he needs during this difficult time".

Prime Minister David Cameron has offered Lance Swan his unequivocal support.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Gay, Parliament

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