As Britain attempts to come to grips with a catastrophic cabbage crop, one smallholder from Hereford has reported that his single acre of land is yielding a record cabbage harvest, which he puts down to the mysterious appearance of an African bull elephant on his cabbage patch.
"I don't know where he came from," Ivor DeLorean told reporters. "I just come up me cabbage patch one day on me bike, like usual of a Monday, and there was this big African tusker standing guard over me cabbages. I've no idea where he came from. I asked around if anybody had lost an elephant, and even told the police. They just told me that if nobody claims him in six months I can keep him."
DeLorean told reporters that the elephant appeared to be quite a friendly chap, considering he's such a big bugger, and that he eats buns in copious amounts and likes spraying water out of his trunk, to amuse the local children.
David Cameron issued a statement in the early hours of Monday morning, making it perfectly clear that cabbage blight did not necessarily signal the demise of UK cabbage farming.
"Let's be perfectly clear about this," PM Cameron said. "Mister DeLorean's cabbage patch proves quite conclusively that the current outbreak of cabbage blight does not necessarily sound the death knell for the UK cabbage industry. It may be true that other nations produce more cabbages than the UK, but our cabbages are of an exceedingly high quality, and unparalleled in nutritional value, and score higher than their rivals in their flatulence factor. Although I'm not quite sure where the African elephant comes into the equation."
Elephant expert, Alfred Hatchclock, of Dorking stated that the elephant probably got bored in Africa, so it went for a walk and somehow ended up in Herefordshire. Probably via the middle east and the cross channel ferry.
"I'm not surprised really, about the elephant," Hatchclock told reporters. "They do tend to roam about a bit, and they have an amazing inbuilt protective instinct where cabbages are concerned. I just hope he doesn't fall victim to poachers or badger baiters, because he's a bit vulnerable without the herd, and an elephant gun would surely see him off."
More as we get it.
