Environmentalists and farmers issued an ominous statement on Sunday, to the effect that not only is the UK facing a double dip recession, but the nation is also likely to be blighted by a serious shortage of cabbages.
One observer cited a shortage of bees as the reason for the catastrophic failure of this year's cabbage harvest, although what bees have to do with pollinating cabbages is anybody's guess.
"Don't blame my bloody bees for this!" prominent beekeeper Erskin Quint, of the far north roared in outrage. "The audacity of it! Now clear off before I take a ruddy stick to you!"
Cabbage has long been a traditional Sunday roast accompaniment, and goes particularly well with boiled beef and carrots. Indeed, leading historian, Ken Lucid, once attributed the rapid expansion of the British Empire to a predilection for cabbage. Lucid explained that many Kings and Queens thrived on cabbage throughout history, which is probably why they were considered largely unapproachable. Something to do with flatulence, apparently.
Lucid's theory seems to have borne out when a punter on the Antiques Roadshow presented a pair of Queen Victoria's two man tent sized bloomers to Fiona Bruce - with a big hole blasted out of the bit which would have touched her arse.
Leading cabbage cultivator, Wurzel Dinzelby told reporters:
"It's a tragedy what's aaappened to the crop. Proper bloighted it be. I've lost nointy noyn perzzent of me cabbages. Course - we troid importin' caabagez from abroad loik, but zem waren't up ter much. Them give me the roight wind them did. Themz no good. Blowed a ruddy great 'ole in the baar at the Dog and Duck oi did when Oi farded. Ol Zid Zimzon the laandlord - 'e went proper orf iz trolley 'e did. Me nayme wuz mud for monzz. Damn near got baaarred Oi did."
The Ministry Of Cabbage have called a crisis meeting in Whitehall and are expected to sit all night to try to find a solution to the cabbage shortage problem. Although at this point, it appears that the situation is 'hopeless.'
More as we get it.
