New Arsenal Manager to be selected by competition

Funny story written by IainB

Wednesday, 31 August 2011

image for New Arsenal Manager to be selected by competition
I've got a budget of thirty pence left, will Ronaldo come for that?

The online version of the popular football management simulator, Premiership Management is expected to get a sudden upsurge in applicants to join after the shock announcement from Arsenal that they will be replacing Arsene Wenger with anybody who can get a non-league team to the Champions League final in ten seasons.

"It's a bold move," said Arsenal Chairman, Neal Farcs. "We're aware of this. It is the perfect opportunity for an unknown manager to take what he has learnt in the game into the real world. And let's face it, he couldn't be worse than the current boss."

There are twenty-four teams at Conference Premier level, forty-four at Conference North and South level, and seventy-two teams at the level below the Conference in three divisions, making a pool of one hundred and forty teams to choose from.

"We couldn't go any lower than Evo-Stik and the like," said Farcs. "There wouldn't be enough seasons to get to the Champions League Final. Although it is easier to get there with a team from the Conference, as you get an additional couple of seasons, we think it will probably be a team from the third tier of non-league that makes it, as the pool of teams is bigger."

Rafts of managers are ditching their Premiership teams like Chelsea and Manchester United for lower league teams like Braintree Town and Worksop Town in the hope of achieving football management's biggest prize. It will be a challenge for those used to having pots of cash to chase for glory and instead have to start worrying about chasing invoices for a hundred pounds for a perimeter board in order to avoid liquidation.

"We feel that the winner of this competition will have shown stamina, courage, intuition, footballing nouse, good money sense and an ability to motivate his team week after week," said Farcs. "Things Arsene has been lacking of late."

The competition will run for six months, which is the length of time for ten seasons in the game. And if nobody from lower league makes it to the Champions League final, Wenger can keep his job because it is obviously harder than most people realise.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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