Written by Deafo

Friday, 26 August 2011

Manchester United have confirmed they will be making the man who presided over the draw for the Champions League group stage, their top seed to take the reigns for the draw for the knock-out phase of this years competition.

Officials for the Premier League side were said to be suitably impressed by the performance of UEFA General Secretary Gianni Infantino, after finding themselves placed in a group less onerous to escape from than a Strathclyde policewoman.

Last years Wembley runners-up were drawn with Benfica, Basel and Romanian doubt-fit, Otelul Galati.

United Chief Executive David Gill expressed his eagerness to expand the club's influence beyond the realms of cherry picking the curdled cream of English match-day officials.

He told reporters in Zurich, 'Our domestic refereeing co-efficient is renowned for its effectiveness in terms of our selecting of which 'Red Devil' takes charge of all our crucial games in England.'

'It's formed the backbone of Sir Alex's successes.'

'So why shouldn't we exhibit this very same procedure on the European stage in getting some assistance with who we play in Champions League year after year?'

'Our repeated use of the European co-efficient that comes into force as soon as a UEFA rendered hand enters a bowl containing the words 'man' and 'united', repeatedly ensures we swerve any sort of footballing obstacle until getting comprehensively outclassed in the final.'

'It is an admirable demonstration of UEFA working at its most cynical best.'

Gill revealed he would be focusing on maximising potential revenue streams between Manchester United and UEFA for next years draw.

'We hope to have the draw-master in that one might drop one of the ball's whilst wearing a shirt with David de Gea on the back.'

'With the ball a replica of Bobby Charlton's noggin.'


The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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