Dallas Linbacker Almost Causes International Incident By Calling British Football A 'Sissy Sport'

Funny story written by Jalapenoman

Monday, 2 May 2011

image for Dallas Linbacker Almost Causes International Incident By Calling British Football A 'Sissy Sport'
This "trotter" was so upset by the comments he lost his purse.

NFL All Pro Linbacker, Mike 'Steamroller' Henry, voiced his controversial opinion about British football when interviewed by London Channel 4 sports news today. Henry compared American football to the mainly British game of 'soccer' by insulting fans worldwide with his off beat comments.

Henry began his tirade by poking fun at the sport and calling it, "a true game of ball-less sissies who wear Daisy Duke shorts, can't take a manly tackle, and squat when they pee!"

Phone lines to the station were jammed as irate British football fans expressed their anger at the Dallas Cowboy's star linebacker as he continued his tirade by referring to soccer's most popular stars as "dandy fags and a sniveling bunch of stinky douchebags who were
probably checking out Kate Middleton's brother's package instead of her sister Pippa's ass at the Royal Wedding."

"I really think our cheerleaders have got bigger balls than they do!"

"Sure, they're happy that we shot Osama Bin Laden because they couldn't do it themselves; they only time they ever shoot their guns is in the showers with each other after a win."

"In my league, we've got Lions and Bears and Vikings and Cowboys and Buccaneers and Raiders and Giants. These pantywaists have got trotters and cottagers and potters and magpies. Magpies?"

"All our best come from Texas and Kansas and Nebraska and all over our country. The few not born in the United States come from American Samoa, which is still American. Your best players are from Germany and France and Mexico. You got one Mexican you call Chicharito. We'd beat his ass into Chicharonnes!"

London police were quick to dispatch a team of plainclothes officers in order to protect the burly 325lb linebacker from any physical threats as he left the studio. In reality, it was he who ended up protecting them.

Dallas Cowboy's owner Jerry Jones offered his own quick apology by disclaiming Henry's comments as "silly and off the cuff." He said that "he watched Jim Carrey's Liar Liar in the hotel room on the television last night, and thought that he had to tell the truth about everything."

Later he tried to unruffle the irritated sports fans by saying British football players certainly weren't douchebags and welcomed any British football team to play a true American football in Dallas anytime against his team. "We'd even provide them uniforms, but I don't know if any American manufacturers make cups that small."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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