'It's not fair, he's got no legs', moan UK Athletes

Funny story written by Blind Watchmaker

Thursday, 31 March 2011


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The world of athletics is in turmoil as legless athlete, Oscar Pistorius runs what could be an Olympic qualification time. The debate goes on as to whether or not he should or shouldn't be allowed to enter alongside 'able-bodied' athletes, bearing in mind he has no legs.

Current UK 400m hopeful Martyn Rooney had this to say, "It's not fair, why should he be allowed to race against us, he has no legs, that's an unfair advantage".

Never before has having no legs been such a hot topic. The athletes are angry at Pistorius' synthetic lower limbs, with many asking where will it end. "What next", said Dwayne Chambers, "Will he be able to stick on little wheels powered by an engine mounted to a backpack?", moaned the once banned for performance enhancing drugs UK sprinter.

All around the world there has been a rise in people hacking off there own limbs to give themselves a chance in what will now surely be called, 'The London 2012 bionic games'. An 18 year old Guatemalan runner is currently in intensive care following an accident with a chainsaw where he accidentally cut off all of his limbs whilst pruning for the 800m national trials. The Guatemalan Head Coach had this to say, "Head's will roll over this".

Charles Van Commennee, UKA Head Coach had this to say, "Having no legs means there is no lactic acid build up in his muscles during the end of the race, this is mainly down to the fact he doesn't have any muscles in his lower legs, or any lower legs. We believe this is completely unfair and potentially this could be called cheating. I hate cheats in sport and Oscar may have pulled the wool over the IOC's eyes but not mine." Charles was speaking to us following a coaching session with 'British' athlete Tiffany Ofili...

Marlon Devonish had this to say, "I think it's an outrage, no legs, the bloke has no legs, he sticks on his attachments and strolls onto the track and we are expected to compete against him!? Not only that, he get's to park right at the front of the car park. Ridiculous."

A spokesperson said Oscar is eligible on the starting grid, I mean blocks, as he does not have, "any technical device that incorporates springs, wheels or any other element that provides a user with an advantage over another athlete not using such a device". Oscar was unavailable for comment as he was at his local Kwik-Fit having a service, sorry, his physio having a massage.

Lord Sebstian Coe commented, "Can you imagine an able bodied athlete wanting to compete in a disability athletic event? There'd be outrage. But why not? If people want a level playing field then that should be allowed - let's see who'd win that race!

Professor Tim Noakes, a leading sports scientist with unsupported evidence to back up his claim said, "I can see a time when normal people start faking behaviour patterns to resemble muscular dystrophy or spina bifida just for the chance to take part in an Olympic event. Anyone looks convincing just screwing up their face and adding a bit of an arm tremble. I'm telling you now, the world of disablity athletics is already rife with cheats - how do we really know blind runners are blind.......perhaps we need more stringent tests like we do on able bodied athletes who are always being drug tested. Perhaps we need random eyesight tests out of season - perhaps the IOC should get into partnership with Specsavers and start taking this seriously."

This is a subject that is sure to carry on causing controversy over the next few months, just why is Oscar allowed to compete against people who are unfortunate enough to still have two legs and the ability to build up lactic acid, as well as live a life free from disability? Just who does he think he is daring to overcome adversity, striving for equality and doing the unthinkable by competing with prosphetic limbs.

The drama goes on.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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