ESPN President George Bodenheimer announced today that effective immediately ESPN is replacing sports reporter Ines Sainz with Helen Thomas. Bodenheimer said,
"It took a long time for women to make it into the men's locker rooms where the men are walking around naked and showering and doing their business. The Ines Sainz affair has set women's rights back a thousand years."
"Yesterday a fierce tornado tore through New York City. Ilene Levakis, 30, was sitting in her parked car in Queens when the tornado ripped a large tree out by the roots and threw it onto Ilene Levakis' car and killed her. Ines Sainz is 32 years old. On behalf of ESPN and our parent company the Walt Disney Company, we say, 'Dear God we get the message. Please forgive us. We are replacing the self proclaimed 'hottest babe in sports' with Helen Thomas."
This all came on the heels of the notorious Beltran Leyva Mexican drug gang gunning the entire New York Jets football team down into the dirt. Reached at Tal4 News headquarters in Karachi, Pakistan, Tal4 sports director Mullah Muhammad Omar said, "This would never have happened in Pakistan. Allah foresaw this scandal 1,600 years ago when he said to the Angel Gabriel who spoke to the Virgin Mary and then to the Prophet Muhammad in the Koran, "Speak to the believing women that they throw their veils over their bosoms." (Koran Sura 24:31). Had Ines Sainz heeded the Koran and worn a Burka into the locker room shower, the New York Jets football team would still be alive today."