Phil Mickelson Reminds Public of How Little Sex He Has

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Monday, 2 August 2010


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(August 2, 2010 - San Diego, CA) - PGA Tour mainstay Phil Mickelson was joined by his publicist, Jimmy Whitlock, as he addressed the media during a press conference outside of his home early Monday morning. The purpose of the gathering was to announce the new marketing strategy for Mickelson and his personal image.

"Ladies and Gentleman, Golf is a family game, think of the countless amount of fathers who have brought their sons to the links against their will so they can experience the ultimate joy of public humiliation and being pissed off for 5 consecutive hours. With that in mind, our new marketing strategy aims to distance my client, Mr. Mickelson, from sex-addicted psychopath Tiger Woods."

"We are here today to remind you of the minuscule amount of sexual intercourse that my client engages in." An enthusiastic Whitlock continued "Not only is his physical appearance less then desirable, but let's be honest, his wife has cancer, which traditionally isn't a huge turn on. I mean, can you even have sex if you have cancer? I'm not sure, but I wouldn't be willing to take those chances, especially with this guy."

Mickelson explained that he was excited for the new campaign because it would finally give himself a chance to showcase the differences between himself and Woods, other then his inferior golf skills. "I know I'm not as clutch as Mr. Woods, I realize I'm not as young, as good looking, as "cool," or successful, but at least I'm loyal to my wife. Who, if you didn't already know, has fucking cancer."

Members of the media didn't hesitate to grill Mickelson on his decision, citing the fact that "Hot bitches are generally not attracted to middle aged, stocky white guys" and that it would be easy to avoid promiscuity when you look like "the Dad from a sitcom."

Surprisingly, the biggest proponent of Mickelson's decision was the Whore Advocacy Group (WAG) which released a brief statement immediately following the press conference "It comes down to a simple fact, does Mr. Mickelson have a substantial amount of money? The answer is obviously yes, which immediately makes his physical appearance irrelevant. Our whores do not aspire to be banged by unattractive men, however, they've already had their pride raped and pillaged so it's not really that big of a deal."

Later adding, "when the majority of your time together is spent on your knees or getting railed from behind, you're willing to make sacrifices." WAG did however state "it might be more difficult for Mr. Mickelson to pick up women if they didn't realize he was a professional athlete, considering how not appealing his appearance is."

Outsiders were also contacted for an interview. Tiger Woods' former main bitch, Elin Nordegren, was reached for comment but she was too busy deciding which small island she wanted to purchase." Legendary sports broadcaster Jim Nantz took time away from announcing every sporting event that's ever taken place to weigh in on Mickelson's marketing strategy "I think it's the smart move, the major demographic for golf viewership is middle aged married men, so obviously they can relate to not getting any pusse." Fellow PGA Tour member Vijay Singh also spoke with the media, however he remains so bitter over the fact that Tiger stole his position as "#1 Almost Completely Black Golfer" that his statement was riddled with far too much vulgarity to be fit for print.

Mickelson explained that AMG Marketing would handle the campaign, which will include Print, Television and Online spots. AMG said they would be releasing a press release with full details later this week, however they did mention that the campaign would be called the "Phil Mickelson Money Over Bitches World Tour."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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