Geordie Joy as Newcastle United return to the Premier League

Written by Bill Licks

Monday, 5 April 2010


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image for Geordie Joy as Newcastle United return to the Premier League
'Straight Back Down, straight back down, straight back down etc'

The streets of Newcastle were tonight awash with celebrating Geordies as they saluted the Magpies return to the Premier League, the place where they belong apparently.

Among the revellers were celebrity supporters including Ant and Dec, Sting, Jimmy Nail, Heather Mills and Tony Blair.

The Spoof was granted exclusive interviews with the stars but was only allowed to ask them one Newcastle United related question. So the question asked was.....

Did ex Newcastle United centre forward Sir Les Ferdinand really vandalise the Blue Peter garden in 1983?

Ant : It's hard to say if he did but he was a young lad at the time so I'm sure he got involved in his fair share of pranks. I was a young lad too once and I was involved in a few pranks. Like the time I blew out Dec's candles on his birthday cake when he was 14. He was not too happy I can tell you but he got his revenge later on when he snapped the heads off my Newcastle United away team Subbuteo set and replaced them with big lumps of his snot.

Dec: Aye, that was a funny moment but I do remember you got your own back again by urinating on me when I lost my virginity with that fit lass from Byker Grove.

Ant: Donna Air?

Dec: Well I done 'er up the rear but I never done 'er hair.

(This reporter would like to apologize for the quality of that 'joke' and can assure readers that Ant and Dec had nothing to do with writing it although look out for it on the next episode of Push The Button with Ant and Dec on Saturday)

Sting: If he was responsible for the mass destruction of the Blue Peter Garden then he could also be responsible for the mass destruction of the rain forests. However, I've not been barking on about the rain forests recently so I don't think I'm interested in them anymore so I hope he gave that garden the twatting it deserved. What do I do nowadays? I don't know. Am I reforming the Police again? Fuck knows. Go and Google it and find out for yourselves if you're really interested.

Jimmy Nail: Er, I don't think he did smash up the garden but if the Blue Peter Garden had been in Newcastle then I can assure you I would have kicked the crap out of it.... with my Crocodile Shoes of course. And then I would have said Auf Wiedersehen Pet and left. I wonder if anyone has ever written a Spoof about me. Fuck me my name turns up in 3 Spoofs when I do a Story Search of my name. That's 3 more than Donna Air who made an appearance in that shit joke. Way-Aye Man.

Heather Mills: I'm not actually a Newcastle United fan and I'm not sure why I've been dragged into this Spoof. I don't know who Sir Les Ferdinand is and I certainly don't condone violence and destruction of any kind. I hear he was a good striker though but a bit one footed..... Right I know exactly where this is heading so could you stop this interview now please?

Tony Blair: Of course he didn't smash the Blue Peter Garden up. But I do know that John Noakes and his dog Shep were developing weapons of mass destruction at around that time so we had no choice but to invade the garden. I know most people who read the Spoof won't have a clue who John Noakes and Shep are but I think it's best that war criminals should be forgotten about. I mean, who remembers who I am anymore?

Congratulations to Newcastle United. See you back in the Championship in 2012.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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