Colored Kid From Mid Major College Living Dream of Playing in Final Four

Funny story written by The Lampoon Journal

Friday, 2 April 2010

INDIANAPOLIS - Gordon Hayward, a forward for the Butler University Bulldogs, will be playing in the school's first ever final four this weekend, something that, from the color of his skin, you would have never thought possible.

A total reclamation project; a certain ingénue, defeating the odds to his eventual arrival in the unlikeliest of situations, Hayward will be the featured player in the National Collegiate Athletic Association's biggest stage on Saturday.

Coming from a good home and raised affluently, the odds seemed stacked against Hayward to amount to anything athletically, let alone thrive in the spotlight.

"When we started recruiting this Jackie Robinson-type player, we didn't know what to expect. He was colored. I mean real colored. When you look at him, he has almost this transparent aspect about him that makes him almost blend in to the background. That is, of course, until he walks out on the court. You can see him clear as the sun at nighttime there," said Butler head basketball coach Brad Stevens.

"We figured we'd give him a shot, as a sort of diamond-in-the-rough, reclamation project. I really never figured he'd be a consistent producer for us. You just don't see that from his kind," Stevens continued.

What makes Hayward even more impressive is his scholastics and graduating platform which have induced a lot of buzz in Europe over the potential for him to continue his career on after college.

"We are excited at the fact that he may want to continue to play professionally next year. We expect once the NBA is done pillaging non-colored players, he will be ripe for us to pluck him up, just like Butler had the chance to do 4 years ago," said Denamrk's Svendborg Rabbits general manager Bjorn Hofsnogger.

"With his talent and trailblazer attitude, we have no doubt he would be a fine representative for the Basketlieguen over here. As you American's say, 'Don't hassle the Hoff.' We think he can be just that man. The David Hasslhoff,'" Hoffsnogger said.

The fact that a guy named Gordon has grown up to be anything other than a gay chef is an achievement in and of itself, however, Stevens maintains he was destined for plenty of success in the field of business.

"I knew he would amount to something. You look at his grades and his hair and you figure he would make one hell of a CPA, but we were just amazed that his kind would be athletically inclined. I mean his people. The whites. Wait, is that racist? I'm not racist, I have a white president. Wait, damnit!" Stevens clumsily concluded.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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