Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger, last night offered his sincerest apologies after inadvertently fielding an English player in the Champion's League match against Barcelona.
The erroneous event happened in the second half when Wenger bought on substitute Theo Walcott as Aresenal were losing 2-0.
'It was a mistake' said Wenger. 'Perhaps the biggest mistake I have ever made in my time as a manager of a football club.'
'I was not aware he was English. When I see him in the changing room he just sits in the corner saying nothing and playing with his Action Man toy. I thought his first name was Theodopolous and he was a young Greek orphan who spoke no English. I will definitely be checking passports next time before I allow my players on to the pitch.'
When questioned about the substitution being inspired and the game changing in the Gunners favour when Walcott came on and immediately scored, Wenger replied, 'I did not see the incident. Besides I hear it hit the goalkeeper on the way into the goal therefore it is an own goal by the Spanish keeper.'
Wenger almost scored an own goal himself before the game by announcing another Englishman, Sol Campbell in the starting line up. 'Solomon was wearing a burka when he entered the changing room so I just assumed he was a player I had perhaps signed from maybe a French-African colony and he was the first name down on the team sheet. It's a good job his mobile phone went off and he started speaking English otherwise I would have resigned there and then if he had walked on to the playing field.'
'English players should not play in the European Champion's league. England is not a part of Europe. It is just like a big turd floating in the sea that refuses to flush away no matter how many time you poke it with the toilet brush.'
Wenger is set to take action against Walcott by sending him on loan to a club a long way away. The last time an English player, Jack Wilshere was spotted on the field playing for Arsenal he was immediately exiled to the frozen wastelands in the North of England to a little settlement called Bolton.