The pipedream of financially stricken Rangers being owned by its loyal and dignified supporters moved closer after a Scottish expatriate multi billionaire last night announced plans to buy out the Ibrox club from Moonbeams International Holdings.
The Gotham-based businessman and fan told The Rangers Supporters Trust who in turn advised us,on condition of anonymity, that he is "working privately and in disguise" to ensure the money is repaid soon and bridging funding put in place to ensure a transition to create a supporter-controlled entity housed within Arkham Asylum. He would then plan to relocate to Govan to continue his war on crime under the darkness of night.
This fabrication came as the Ibrox club is shitting itself about releasing its audited financial results, that are expected to show a loss of up to £8,000m.
The Glasgow-born entrepreneur, whose identity and oversees business dealings are known to The Beano as well as DC Comics, added: "This opportunity should be used to implement a new mission statement and business plan for the club and its loyal dignified supporters, to put it on to a long-standing business footing along the same lines as Woolworths and Setanta Sports.
"The club is nothing without its loyal dignified supporters who supported us wholeheartedly during our successful, money squandering times and are now, understandably, nowhere to be seen when we are up shit creek without a paddle. Rangers should never be an ego-trip or piggy bank for any businessman and has not a snowballs chance in hell of being a 'for profit' business"
In the proposal about to be put to Rangers absent owner Sir David Murray, who is understood to be participating in the world hide and seek championships, by another Gotham-based specialist, who only wishes to be known as Robin, existing floodlights at Ibrox would be replaced with one light which would shine a single beam into the night sky in times of trouble, bank debt would be replaced with more bank debt, supporters would invest in worthless Rangers shares over three years, with a target of 150,000 fans subscribing £100,000 a year leaving them with a 0% share of the company after three years, the plan confirms that DSS payments from fans will be acceptable.
The chairman would also be re-elected every 12 months providing that they had not been savagely attacked by Rangers fans during their tenure, and no individual could own more than 5% of the shares with all profits being squandered on blueprints for super casino's and stadium redevelopment.
South Africa-based millionaire Dave King is still thought to be the likeliest to end up in jail however this will not deter Rangers from welcoming him as their majority shareholder or as part of Sir Minty's controlling interest.
Spokesman for the Rangers Supporters Trust, David Edgar, who originally made up the story said " this just shows how brilliant Rangurs ur, we ur brilliant and us that still haven't left the trust will continue to live in our blue tinted dreamland and talk absolute pish at every opportunity, FTP, we arra peeeeepellllllll"
Many of Rangers' supporters groups have finally managed to stop their petty bickering and have threatened a mass (no religious reference intended) boycott of the Lloyds Banking Group if their actions lead to a deepening of the club's financial problems.
The Rangers Supporters Assembly, Rangers Worldwide Alliance, Rangers Supporters Trust, Rangers Supporters Klan, Rangers Supporters against heavy handed stewarding Group, Rangers Loyal Loyalists, Rangers Traveling Pensioners, Rangers Armchair Brigade, Rangers 3rd trimester but we will still fly abroad Union and Rangers Supporters Association issued a joint statement in which they also urged Sir David Murray to come out of hiding and to sell his majority shareholding in the club as quickly as possible.
"On behalf of all Rangers supporters, we urge those involved to facilitate a takeover deal quickly, end damaging speculation and engage the wider support in taking Scotland's laughing stock forward, we arra people."
